Finding Your (Contemplative) Tribe or Companion

Meeting Other Contemplatives Is Not Easy, But It's Not Impossible Either

A reader and subscriber to this Substack recently shared this feedback with me:

I consider myself a contemplative (evidence: your writing speaks to me), but I do not have a contemplative community around me… I’ve been in search of a spiritual director for a long time. I think it’s been hard because I would like a contemplative spiritual director (a phrase I’ve never used before but made total sense when I saw you use it). Can you offer any guidance on how to go about finding someone? (I live in New York City.)

Thanks for your note. I’m so happy that my writing speaks to you!

And for what it’s worth, I don’t believe anyone needs to “prove” or have “evidence” to show that they are contemplative. I think it’s perfectly legitimate to call oneself a contemplative, just like someone who writes poetry can be called a poet, even if they’ve never been published or formally studied poetry. Granted, not every poet is a published poet or a critically acclaimed poet — but if you write poetry, you’re a poet. In a similar manner, if you are drawn to contemplative practices like Centering Prayer, or even if you are simply a student of mystical or contemplative writers/teachers like Richard Rohr or Cynthia Bourgeault — then as far as I’m concerned, you are a contemplative. So glad to meet you, fellow contemplative!

Your situation — of being drawn to contemplative spirituality but knowing of no community you can share your interest with — is unfortunately quite common. I have lost count of the number of folks who have reached out to me over the years, having read one of my books or discovered my blog or my newsletters, and then confiding in me that they cannot find a community of kindred spirits.

There are several reasons for this.

According to Jung’s theory of personality (popularized through the Myers-Briggs questionnaire for indicating personality types), the most common “type” for contemplatives are the INFPs: people who are introverted, intuitive, feeling-oriented, and perceptive/nonjudgmental. Now, one does not have to be an INFP to be a contemplative (or vice versa), but I suspect that many people who identify as contemplatives do, to a greater or lesser extent, fit the INFP type.

The problem with INFPs is that we (yes, I’m one) are terrible at organizing. We are shy and quiet. Often, we prefer our own company: we’ll take a good book over a cocktail party most any time. We don’t like to join clubs or groups (we can’t stand being told what to do), and we’re not very good at starting or leading organizations, either. Now, I know there were great mystics who were also social reformers (like Teresa of Ávila, for example, who founded fourteen Carmelite convents in her lifetime, which is quite a remarkable achievement), but I think we could argue that people like that are rare indeed, and really are amazing in their ability to embody both the deep introversion of contemplation and simultaneously manifest the extraverted skills necessary to be organizers and social leaders.

If contemplative leaders are unusual, I think it’s fair to say that contemplatives in general are pretty rare. According the theory of the sixteen personality types based on Jungian ideas and popularized by Myers and Briggs, INFPs comprise only about 1% of the general population. Even allowing for the fact that anyone of any personality type could be a contemplative, I think it’s fair to assume that, as a general rule, contemplatives are definitely niche players in society at large.

Further complicating the matter is the problem of sectarianism and religious/spiritual differences. People who are immersed in any one particular religion oftentimes don’t do a lot of spiritual mingling with folks who practice different religions. Protestants and Catholics might be great neighbors and enjoy going to sports events or concerts together, but when it comes to spirituality they often just move in different circles. Same can be said of Jews and Muslims, or Hindus and Budddhists, or Pagans and Evangelicals — the list goes on. Even religious/spiritual groups that are famous for their acceptance of diversity — like the Unitarian Universalists or the liberal Quakers — oftentimes still have boundaries: for example, most liberal Episcopalians I know are not too keen on getting up close and personal with conservative Catholics (and vice versa). Of there, there’s always exceptions, but in my experience this is typically the case. Folks who love new age spirituality like to hang out with other new agers, but are less likely to cozy up to evangelicals (which, in all fairness, is probably because they feel judged by evangelicals). So not only are contemplatives just a tiny percentage of the overall populace, but because of how fragmented religious and spiritual communities are in society, that makes it even harder for contemplatives to find each other and discover ways we can connect and support each other.

So what do we do?

Thankfully, there are resources available to help contemplatives, no matter how quiet or shy or introverted we are, to find each other. I’m going to list a few here, and these are all Christian contemplative organizations, mainly because I’m the most familiar with Christian contemplative groups. So I would encourage you to look online and see if any of these groups have chapters in your vicinity.

Contemplative Outreach — this is the international organization that sponsors Centering Prayer groups, both online and in person. Many communities have Centering Prayer groups, that often meet in churches or retreat centers. Most of these groups are pretty small, so they’re always happy to see new faces (Note to my reader from New York: here’s the link to the New York Chapter of Contemplative Outreach, they have quite a few groups in NYC!).

The World Community for Christian Meditation — similar to Contemplative Outreach, only their focus is on the method of Christian Meditation developed by the Benedictine monk John Main. Not as strong of a presence in the USA, but there are chapters here as well as around the world.

Many Monasteries and Retreat Centers sponsor organizations such as the Lay Cistercians, Lay Carmelites, Third Order Franciscans, Benedictine Oblates, and so forth: organizations that can often provide fellowship and support for those seeking a contemplative community. Some of these groups are for Catholics only, but others are ecumenical in scope. Check out the websites of any monasteries and retreat centers near you, and see if they have information about contemplative groups they sponsor.

If you are comfortable interacting with people online, then you have many more resources for making contemplative friends. Here are a few online communities that might appeal to you:

Closer Than Breath — this online community describes itself as “an online contemplative hub offering programs to deepen your spiritual journey.” Their programming includes classes, centering prayer groups, and a contemplative summit once or twice a year, which gives you a chance to learn from leading contemplative teachers and writers.

Spiritual Wanderlust — another online community with similar offerings, including courses, summits, and spiritual direction. Catering to persons who are seeking contemplative practice anchored in personal and interior growth, you can enjoy resources like articles and a podcast, while also taking a deeper dive with one of several year-long courses.

Spirituality & Practice — one of the oldest spirituality websites remains an active hub for all types of spiritual seekers, including contemplatives. Check out their many email-based e-courses; if you take a course on its first run, you’ll have the opportunity to post on a vibrant bulletin board and interact with other course participants.

Finally, there are some wonderful communities, both online and in person, that have coalesced around specific contemplative teachers, including Richard Rohr (the Living School), Christine Valters Paintner (Abbey of the Arts), Cynthia Bourgeault (Wisdom Way of Knowing) and John Philip Newell (Earth and Soul).

Most of these online programs (or in person courses and retreats) do have a cost associated with them, but often there is scholarship resources available, so if you see a program that appeals to you but find that the cost is a barrier, reach out to see if there is any way you can get financial assistance. Many people find that, in addition to enjoying the teachings of the “masters,” they make lifelong friendships by participating in these programs.

Finding a Spiritual Director

Now, as for finding a spiritual director. It’s true that not all spiritual directors (also known as spiritual companions or spiritual guides) are necessarily oriented toward contemplation, but many are. And I would go so far as to say that most people who have been formed as a spiritual director through organizations like Shalem, Stillpoint, or Zeitgeist (to name just three) probably have at least some appreciation for mysticism and contemplation — and also are equipped to support contemplative seekers, even if contemplation is not their primary orientation. Finding a spiritual director can be a lot like finding a personal trainer, life coach, or even therapist (although spiritual direction is different from all of these professions), for it can take interviewing with several persons before you meet the person who seems to be the right fit.

Spiritual directors come in all shapes and sizes: Christians of various denominations as well as practitioners of other faith traditions; straight as well as queer; male as well as female and nonbinary; monastic, clergy, or laity, and so forth. And of course, some will be more theologically liberal than others. Some spiritual directors have specific areas of expertise, such as working with veterans, with those who are grieving, those who use psychedelics, and so forth. So it’s worth taking time to find a spiritual director who is in alignment with you and your spiritual needs.

A good spiritual director will compassionately support you in your journey into the mystery of the divine, without trying to impose their own agenda or values on your spiritual journey. So I would encourage anyone who feels led to walk with a soul companion to reach out to at least one or two possible spiritual directors (a great place to connect with spiritual directors is through the organization SDI, or Spiritual Directors International; here’s their website: Find a Spiritual Companion).

Full disclosure: I am a spiritual director, needless to say with a particular focus on those who are drawn to contemplation and mysticism. To learn more about my ministry as a spiritual companion, visit Spiritual Direction with Carl McColman.

The Bottom Line

Meeting other contemplatives is not easy, especially given how so many of us are introverts and/or reclusive and retiring by nature. But it’s not impossible, either — even the most solitary of contemplatives still need some social interaction! In true contemplative fashion, if you are seeking your contemplative “tribe” — or simply a companion with whom you can engage in a deeper dive into the spiritual life — put it in your prayers. The Spirit who calls you into the interior life is also the same Spirit who guides all mystics and contemplatives. It is that same Spirit who will guide you to your community.